Some tacky Christmas song lyrics here.

Firstly: I've joined Lookbook.nu! Click here for my account.

I'm always filled with such bittersweet emotion at this time of the year. It's the beginning of break, which means the roomies and college friends are flying home to their other respective places of residence, and all of my high school acquaintances have begun to return. My three roommates really are like family, and the thought of being apart for an entire month is actually painful. It will also be interesting to see how the course of winter break plays out in regards to my pre-college friends, since the dynamics have changed so much there over the past couple of months. There are a lot of people I regrettably ended up putting on the back burner, and I'm going to make it a real goal to reconnect with certain old friends that have grown distant by whatever reason. Oh, and naturally I am excited to spend a ton of time with my family. I can't imagine anything I'd rather do than spend time with my two-year-old twin cousins over break.

After a day of eating lots of vegan delights and shopping until I wanted to drop, the roomies and I did our first annual holiday exchange last evening. We've given each other presents the past couple of years, but this was the first time we actually put together a tree and set the mass of gifts underneath it to open together. And it was such a good time! We're all so attuned to each other's tastes. I ended up buying Eunsan a knit monkey hat that she bought herself, and she bought me a camera almost identical to one I had purchased earlier that day as a holiday present to myself. Some of the rather creative gifts entailed a romance novel customized with Wendy's name, a George Washington finger puppet, a pair of rubber ducky head phones, and a mug that had dirty Shakespearean catch phrases on it. All in all, probably one of the best celebratory things I've done for the holidays ever.

And today I went to a party at Greenwich Grill, a lovely little restaurant in TriBeCa, for my friend Andy's combination going away/early birthday party. He's been working there since freshman year so he knows the place in and out, and he picked such delicious courses for us. And the cake was fucking MAGNIFICENT. He and his friend Monique (who shared the party with him) spent over $300 on it... red velvet with gold fondant. It was actually one of the most luxurious things I've put into my mouth ever. Andy is currently passed out on our couch, since he came over around 11:30pm to hang out and decided it was rather convenient to stay the night instead of trekking back to his dorm. We have another guest staying on the couch tonight as well, one of my roommate's friends from high school. Lucky for Andy, though, as our couch is quite large.

Two posts in the course of a week? Not going to lie, I'm pretty impressed with myself. Hopefully the trend will continue, as I'm sure I will have much to write about during my next few weeks off. Til then, Internet, I bid you adieu.

A new(er) start?

So I think this may be something like the third time I am trying to keep this blog? Past failures aside, I'm finally reaching into some motivation that's been gradually building up and I'm not losing hold of it. WRITE, I WILL! And I come with a new motto: no censorship whatsoever. I fucking hate having to withhold part of myself in fear of the scrutiny or judgment of others. Whether it be opinions I don't want others knowing I hold, or merely feeling exposed. As I've become an adult, I've realized it's better to just be honest with people. Like, adding my grandma on Facebook, which is essentially parting the blinds on the window to one's deviant and decrepit soul.

I've been battling with and trying to overcome severe anxiety/panic disorder. It's been a long and turbulent road - at times seeming without a destination - but I'm doing a thousand times better than I was twelve months ago. The worst part was having to give up a semester in London in favor of staying home and going to therapy, but I definitely wouldn't have made it had I gone. But I was able to return to school in the city this past semester and, more excitingly, start living in an apartment on the LES! Having our own place has been incredible (and definitely annoying at times when things have gone wrong), but my roommates are like family to me.

Something else more troubling, and at times even more painful than my anxiety, has been a complete change with my friendships. I've always valued having friends that would stand by me through thick and thin, so it sort of sent my world upside down when I realized that they weren't. I decided to end ties with my best friend of years, despite loving her like a sister, just because we were constantly fighting and everything sort of disintegrated at the end. What then happened was a lot of our mutual friends slowly but noticeably severing ties with me as well. I was sort of expecting it to happen, but the actual blow of the punch hurts a lot more when you know it's coming. Maybe it's because I was proven wrong about people I was so certain about. I won't deny that I needed a lot of patience and understanding when it came to my anxiety, but apparently that was too much effort for some of them. One thing I won't apologize for is having needs during an extended time of crisis and being disappointed when they weren't met, or when people felt above it because they weren't going through the same thing. It just sucks a lot when what you need is a lonelier situation than what you want.

This past year has, without a doubt, been the most difficult of my life. But on that same note, it has probably been one of the most worthwhile because of what I've learned about myself and others through all of the trials and tribulations. I have a beautiful and compassionate family who has bent over backwards to help in every way I needed it. I have friends who have sat in bed with me and wiped my tears away in moments of panic and depression. And now I have a blog.

Internet? You should start running in fear. Now.