A new(er) start?

So I think this may be something like the third time I am trying to keep this blog? Past failures aside, I'm finally reaching into some motivation that's been gradually building up and I'm not losing hold of it. WRITE, I WILL! And I come with a new motto: no censorship whatsoever. I fucking hate having to withhold part of myself in fear of the scrutiny or judgment of others. Whether it be opinions I don't want others knowing I hold, or merely feeling exposed. As I've become an adult, I've realized it's better to just be honest with people. Like, adding my grandma on Facebook, which is essentially parting the blinds on the window to one's deviant and decrepit soul.

I've been battling with and trying to overcome severe anxiety/panic disorder. It's been a long and turbulent road - at times seeming without a destination - but I'm doing a thousand times better than I was twelve months ago. The worst part was having to give up a semester in London in favor of staying home and going to therapy, but I definitely wouldn't have made it had I gone. But I was able to return to school in the city this past semester and, more excitingly, start living in an apartment on the LES! Having our own place has been incredible (and definitely annoying at times when things have gone wrong), but my roommates are like family to me.

Something else more troubling, and at times even more painful than my anxiety, has been a complete change with my friendships. I've always valued having friends that would stand by me through thick and thin, so it sort of sent my world upside down when I realized that they weren't. I decided to end ties with my best friend of years, despite loving her like a sister, just because we were constantly fighting and everything sort of disintegrated at the end. What then happened was a lot of our mutual friends slowly but noticeably severing ties with me as well. I was sort of expecting it to happen, but the actual blow of the punch hurts a lot more when you know it's coming. Maybe it's because I was proven wrong about people I was so certain about. I won't deny that I needed a lot of patience and understanding when it came to my anxiety, but apparently that was too much effort for some of them. One thing I won't apologize for is having needs during an extended time of crisis and being disappointed when they weren't met, or when people felt above it because they weren't going through the same thing. It just sucks a lot when what you need is a lonelier situation than what you want.

This past year has, without a doubt, been the most difficult of my life. But on that same note, it has probably been one of the most worthwhile because of what I've learned about myself and others through all of the trials and tribulations. I have a beautiful and compassionate family who has bent over backwards to help in every way I needed it. I have friends who have sat in bed with me and wiped my tears away in moments of panic and depression. And now I have a blog.

Internet? You should start running in fear. Now.