Some tacky Christmas song lyrics here.

Firstly: I've joined Lookbook.nu! Click here for my account.

I'm always filled with such bittersweet emotion at this time of the year. It's the beginning of break, which means the roomies and college friends are flying home to their other respective places of residence, and all of my high school acquaintances have begun to return. My three roommates really are like family, and the thought of being apart for an entire month is actually painful. It will also be interesting to see how the course of winter break plays out in regards to my pre-college friends, since the dynamics have changed so much there over the past couple of months. There are a lot of people I regrettably ended up putting on the back burner, and I'm going to make it a real goal to reconnect with certain old friends that have grown distant by whatever reason. Oh, and naturally I am excited to spend a ton of time with my family. I can't imagine anything I'd rather do than spend time with my two-year-old twin cousins over break.

After a day of eating lots of vegan delights and shopping until I wanted to drop, the roomies and I did our first annual holiday exchange last evening. We've given each other presents the past couple of years, but this was the first time we actually put together a tree and set the mass of gifts underneath it to open together. And it was such a good time! We're all so attuned to each other's tastes. I ended up buying Eunsan a knit monkey hat that she bought herself, and she bought me a camera almost identical to one I had purchased earlier that day as a holiday present to myself. Some of the rather creative gifts entailed a romance novel customized with Wendy's name, a George Washington finger puppet, a pair of rubber ducky head phones, and a mug that had dirty Shakespearean catch phrases on it. All in all, probably one of the best celebratory things I've done for the holidays ever.

And today I went to a party at Greenwich Grill, a lovely little restaurant in TriBeCa, for my friend Andy's combination going away/early birthday party. He's been working there since freshman year so he knows the place in and out, and he picked such delicious courses for us. And the cake was fucking MAGNIFICENT. He and his friend Monique (who shared the party with him) spent over $300 on it... red velvet with gold fondant. It was actually one of the most luxurious things I've put into my mouth ever. Andy is currently passed out on our couch, since he came over around 11:30pm to hang out and decided it was rather convenient to stay the night instead of trekking back to his dorm. We have another guest staying on the couch tonight as well, one of my roommate's friends from high school. Lucky for Andy, though, as our couch is quite large.

Two posts in the course of a week? Not going to lie, I'm pretty impressed with myself. Hopefully the trend will continue, as I'm sure I will have much to write about during my next few weeks off. Til then, Internet, I bid you adieu.

A new(er) start?

So I think this may be something like the third time I am trying to keep this blog? Past failures aside, I'm finally reaching into some motivation that's been gradually building up and I'm not losing hold of it. WRITE, I WILL! And I come with a new motto: no censorship whatsoever. I fucking hate having to withhold part of myself in fear of the scrutiny or judgment of others. Whether it be opinions I don't want others knowing I hold, or merely feeling exposed. As I've become an adult, I've realized it's better to just be honest with people. Like, adding my grandma on Facebook, which is essentially parting the blinds on the window to one's deviant and decrepit soul.

I've been battling with and trying to overcome severe anxiety/panic disorder. It's been a long and turbulent road - at times seeming without a destination - but I'm doing a thousand times better than I was twelve months ago. The worst part was having to give up a semester in London in favor of staying home and going to therapy, but I definitely wouldn't have made it had I gone. But I was able to return to school in the city this past semester and, more excitingly, start living in an apartment on the LES! Having our own place has been incredible (and definitely annoying at times when things have gone wrong), but my roommates are like family to me.

Something else more troubling, and at times even more painful than my anxiety, has been a complete change with my friendships. I've always valued having friends that would stand by me through thick and thin, so it sort of sent my world upside down when I realized that they weren't. I decided to end ties with my best friend of years, despite loving her like a sister, just because we were constantly fighting and everything sort of disintegrated at the end. What then happened was a lot of our mutual friends slowly but noticeably severing ties with me as well. I was sort of expecting it to happen, but the actual blow of the punch hurts a lot more when you know it's coming. Maybe it's because I was proven wrong about people I was so certain about. I won't deny that I needed a lot of patience and understanding when it came to my anxiety, but apparently that was too much effort for some of them. One thing I won't apologize for is having needs during an extended time of crisis and being disappointed when they weren't met, or when people felt above it because they weren't going through the same thing. It just sucks a lot when what you need is a lonelier situation than what you want.

This past year has, without a doubt, been the most difficult of my life. But on that same note, it has probably been one of the most worthwhile because of what I've learned about myself and others through all of the trials and tribulations. I have a beautiful and compassionate family who has bent over backwards to help in every way I needed it. I have friends who have sat in bed with me and wiped my tears away in moments of panic and depression. And now I have a blog.

Internet? You should start running in fear. Now.

Have a happy birthday (OR ELSE)

My mom and I think we've discovered why I am having tremendous headaches and all other physical symptoms: TMJ.  It makes a ton of sense since when I originally started not feeling well, it was what I thought was my wisdom tooth acting up on the left side of my mouth (and that's where I've been feeling most of the pain).  I looked up symptoms online here and would say over 50% of those apply to me.  A friend of my mom's brought up today that her daughter had the same problem I was having where she had a headache for a month that doctors were calling stress-related and it turning out being this.  I'm kind of hopeful now and will be a little upset if this isn't it.  It's sad when you cross your fingers something is wrong with you.

That's all for now I guess!

THE THINGS MY MOTHER SAYS

I decided that my mother needs her own blog. Not in the sense that she will actually be the one taking care of this blog, but in the sense that it revolves around her and the ridiculous things she says. For instance, take a couple of excerpts from the past week:

Tuesday Morning
Me: I have no idea what to do for my birthday.
Mom: I know! We should hire a male stripper!

This Morning
Me: (examining an envelope I got from NYU where my street name is spelled wrong) Quinton? How do you mess up Clinton as Quinton? That's like having a lisp or something.
Mom: Yeah well, you only need a PhD for that, right? (walks out nonchalantly)

oh ear we go...

I generally don't think I am a dumb person or lack any common sense. My sister has always been the one a little slower in that department (i.e. when she told her counselor at camp a few years ago she had "selective hearing" and thought it was an actual disease) but this kind of takes the cake.

So I went to an ENT today because I have been having tremendous headaches for the past two weeks and a week ago the pain and pressure moved to the insides of my ears... which was a little worrisome, since I didn't have any signs of a sinus infection. Basically I am fine but it might be due to allergies so I have to start taking more meds on top of my pre-existing allergy meds. ANYWAY, NOT THE POINT. He asks me if I know how to pop my nose and says to plug my nose, and to then press my ear. Apparently he meant try to blow out through my nose to pop them like you do on an airplane, but when he said the word "press" I thought he meant stick my finger inside my ear and actually press on it...

Doctor's reaction: "Well, THAT was a first..."

Needless to say, I am probably the office joke of today, tomorrow, and the day after that if they are open weekends.

Happy New Year.

Or at least I am hoping it will be.

I actually went out on NYE, which was a surprise to all.  Best friend Willa had a party at her house where many of my closest friends gathered, so I pushed myself for some dinner and drinks and all-around good times.  It was fun.  I left early, though, before the ball dropped.  When the clock struck midnight, I was sitting in my room strumming my acoustic guitar.  In other words, I was chillin' just fine.  The day after, I went to a dinner party at my friend Jess's house that her parents were throwing.  Lots of delicious Italian eats and even better alcoholic whipped cream.  The better part of the night consisted of a Dunkin run and finally obtaining photographic evidence of Eddie's crop circles named Scully and Mulder.

However, being out on New Year's Eve and seeing everyone else's pictures on Facebook is making me miss my lack of sobriety.  I have barely had a sip of alcohol since being on meds, save for a glass of wine on Thanksgiving and perhaps more than one the night after my finals were done.  Oh, and a SIP of sangria.  But that is basically... 3 glasses of wine in the past two months?  Though, I'm not really missing cigarettes as much as I thought I would.  But perhaps that is because I enjoy smoking most when I am drunk and I haven't been.  Now there is a thought to think.

I'm still physically feeling really sick, still mentally trying to convince myself that it's all in my head.  I wish my brain wasn't constantly trying to play tricks on me and pushing me to believe that the physical manifestations of my stress are really my aching chest, my throbbing head, my nausea and my dizziness.  Sometimes I blame myself for making poor decisions or deserving it for being a bad person.  Sometimes I blame a higher power that just wants to get me down on my luck, to have me practically begging for being better on my knees, that just likes seeing miserable right now.  I told my doctor the pain in my head has moved to an aching inside my ears and I had low grade fever over the weekend, and he prescribed me a Zpack.  What about everything else, doc?

I don't even know what to do for my birthday.  It feels unreal that I'll be 20 in less than two weeks.  My mind hasn't been able to even concentrate on what I want, besides getting better.  In a me-like fashion, however, my ultimate worry in regards to my birthday has become what I am going to do on the day of.  I hardly even want to do anything at this point, though a lonely birthday is always a miserable one.  I just hate taking the chance of planning some event and then not feeling well and having to cancel it anyway.  My mom even offered to let me have a party here (one at which I will not drink, naturally, but my friends can - save for a glass of champagne in celebration I have made it thus far).  Birthdays, schmirthdays.

I made my phone calls to NYU today to request a medical leave of absence and to cancel my trip to London.  It really sucked but my desire to get better outweighs my desire to go and try to persevere through all of the physical and mental pain.  I've spoken to my friends and if I am well enough, a trip during their spring break will ensue.  But my doctors are all home and so is my major support system, so that's where I'll be this coming semester.  I'm going to try a clinic next week and hopefully it will cure me.  If this is the trick, then perhaps the past few months will have been in vain but maybe it will add towards the help that they will, pray tell, give me.  

But a few good things I guess, on top of the bad:

• I've started playing acoustic guitar again, and I haven't forgotten much

• Began re-watching Arrested Development with Jess.  Huzzah!

• My Creative Writing teacher decided to raise my grade from a C to a B, making my GPA from this past semester a 3.0.  And, a little LOL-worthy, my best semester of school so far.

• Ummm.... that's it, really.

JESUS CHRIST. is a friend of mine.

Willa sent me this video earlier and I can't get it out of my head for the life of me.

Or, if you're into remixes that are reminiscent of subliminal messaging acid trips, you can watch this version instead:

"You didn't look free to me."

I am, at last, done with my third semester of school.  It took a lot of effort to get through the last week and not have a nervous breakdown, but I did it.  And I even aced my finals!  Holy hallelujah.  I would've been pissed off had I not done more than okay since I studied my ass off for that shit.

But since I've been home, I've been running to appointments all over the place.  New internist, blood work, heart tests, therapy, psychiatrist.  It's very discombobulating.  All my tests are coming back negative, though, so there's at least that.  My obsessive thoughts, in turn, are dipping.  I feel like I'm getting better, I want to be getting better...

The weather has been shit the past few days.  It's really pretty and if I were my younger self, there would be no amount of hesitation in pulling on my snowpants and boots and going outside to run around in it.  The fact of the matter is I love how the snow looks, and I love that it has been snowing so much around this festive time of year.  It's just such an inconvenience!  I'm starting to develop cabin fever, I swear.  I was going to brave the roads last night but my car was skidding and I didn't want to take any chances, so I just went out to dinner with my parents instead.  We got really delicious filet mignon.  That, I cannot complain about.

The other night I saw Milk and it was fucking incredible.  I can't wait to write a review about it, but I am also terrified I won't do it enough justice.  It's just captivating and heartbreaking and makes you so proud that there were individuals like him who cared enough about change to fight for it and see it through.  It also brings about a sense of disappointment because it sheds a light on the ignorance that existed in our country and still does.  Prop 8 much?  I know why people have been speculating as to whether or not this movie coming out sooner would have had an impact on the passing of Prop 8 in California now.  Though the answer to that is uncertain, I know had Harvey Milk been alive in this day and age, he would have fought his best to make a difference.  Hell, maybe Prop 8 wouldn't even be a problem if he were alive.  Sean Penn's portrayal was flawless, and the rest of the cast was amazing as well.

And yes, there is a naked backside shot of James Franco.  As if you needed any other initiative to see the movie.

Music that I am really into lately:  The Boy Least Likely To, Bishop Allen, Voxtrot, Tokyo Police Club, and of course Radiohead.  I've been trying to expand my boundaries, if you will.  Taking a lot of suggestions off of Last.fm and being unafraid to travel to the land of MySpace to sample songs.

My wisdom tooth on my bottom left side is hurting again.  Boo.

Hubba, hubba Holmes.

The first two production stills of 'Sherlock Holmes' have been released, and I all I have to say is...

YES, PLEASE.

Higher quality of this & other picture found at source.

More later, when I need further procrastination from studying.

Maybe next he should have a DJ gig at the Annex.

I really want to party with Bill Murray.  Leave it to Page Six to come up with that gem, but honestly?  If what Bill Murray wants to do with his life is hop from dive bar to dive bar befriending trust fund hipsters, then I think he should damn well be allowed to.  His offerings to the world have been many and grand with his acting talents (personally, his Wes Anderson films are my favorites).  So let him hang around town!  He went through a rough divorce and this is his way of coping.  Shit, this makes me wish I spent more time drinking this past semester to boost my chances of running into him.

A depiction of how fun the scenario could have been.

Reading this article today was a funny coincidence, too.  Just two days ago, some friends and I were discussing Bill Murray and the urban legend about him being insane and insanely awesome at the same time that is mentioned at the end of the article.  Copied and pasted, for your delight:

There's an urban legend that's gone round until no one is sure who it happened to, or if it happened at all. It was late one night, a few years ago, when a young man was walking through Union Square Park. He suddenly felt someone behind him, their hands over his eyes. When he turned in surprise, there was Bill Murray, his creased face leaning in close. Bill whispered, "No one is ever going to believe you," and then just walked away.

Go me!!

...for being the world's best blogger.  NOT.

Happy Thanksgiving?  I guess it's technically a Happy Black Friday is owed now since it's past midnight, and it will be a black Friday indeed.  A good friend's grandpa passed away a couple of days ago and all of us are going to his funeral to be there for her.  It's unfortunate that it had to happen, especially around this family-oriented time of year.  And she and her family are the sweetest people, so it will be really difficult to see them visibly suffering through this hard time tomorrow.  My greatest sympathies go out to them right now.

It just goes to show what a fatty I am at heart since Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  Well, maybe second to Christmas.  But it's always just been this warm, happy time for me where I get to eat all my favorite foods and spend time with my family.  There was some drama this Thanksgiving, but overall I'd say it was decent.  I watched Baby Mama with the sister and Charlie Bartlett by myself (which, BTW, was all kinds of fucking amazing).

I also went to the 24 hour Dunkin Donuts which is kind of the local hang for my friends and I when there is nowhere else to go.  Around 10:30 or so, the shift changes and these new guys come in for the graveyard and it just sucks since they so plainly hate their job.  And, usually, they fuck up my order detrimentally.  I've gotten the wrong flavored coffees, dark when I asked for light, and it's ALWAYS the same guys.  Hence, they've been dubbed as the "Asshole Shift".  If there is one thing I dearly miss about Long Island when I am in the city, it is my Asshole Shift at the Dunkin right by my house.

A lot has been going on in my personal life, a lot more than I am willing to divulge in a personal blog.  Maybe someday I will feel more comfortable using this as my pedestal, but until that time arrives, I have more private venues of doing so.  Let's just say I'm in a rut.  It's been really difficult trying to get out and to keep myself distracted but I'm getting there.  I have the incredible support system of my family and friends to help me through, and they have been there through thick and thin to talk to me about it.  Especially my mom.  She has been there from the get go and has held my hand with me every step of the way, unrelenting in how severely she cares.  Having people like that on your side makes dealing with these things so much easier, so for this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for them all.  But mostly my momma, who I can confidently say is my rock.

Writing has been going really well as of late.  I'd forgotten how much I love to do it.  Growing up, writing was always my zone of safety because people told me I was good at it and I felt confident that I could do it.  I still think I am decent at it, but I get frustrated with my own work a lot more.  Maybe it's because I am older and less ignorant as to what good writing is, or it might just be because I am overly critical of my own work.  It doesn't matter how many times I am told something sounds perfect the way it is because it will go in one ear and out the other.  And I'm not the kind of person to fish for compliments, either.  When I preface sending excerpts to a friend with something like, "Bear in mind this is a rough copy," or, "I really hate how this turned out, please rip me a new asshole with criticisms," it's because I really feel that way.  Through writing, I am learning to love my own writing.  The road has been kind of convoluted so far, but I have some lovely friends who have been giving me feedback non-stop and I thank them and bless them dearly for it.  Hopefully the first copy of the manuscript will be done before I head to London, and I will have the edited version by the end of my semester there.  That is my short-term goal from here.

The sad thing is, the thing that made me want to start writing again was reading Breaking Dawn (the last installment of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series) and realizing that all it takes is a piece of shit to really get published these days.  Let that be my outstanding inspiration, honestly, since it's giving me the minimum level of desire to keep on trucking needed.

Still have yet to sight any of the celeb locale (see: Tom&Katie&Baby Suri, who are literally my neighbors; James Franco, who is secretly attending NYU but only pretends to be attending Columbia on SNL; Daniel Radcliffe, whose signature is still desperately needed on my playbill).  I'll cry if it doesn't happen before I go abroad.  Speaking of which, I keep telling myself I will post in here more often and then never do.  REALLY MAKING A GOAL TO CHANGE THAT, ESP WHEN I'M IN LONDON.  That way, all you lurkers can see great pics of my visit and be jealous that I am surrounded by beautiful men with eloquent accents and can casually visit a pub for a pint of lager.  More excited about the men, though.

basically.

The past two weeks have been so damn stressful.  I hate midterm exams and papers more than I hate finals.  Since we're caught up in so much else going on at the same time, it makes me nervous that I don't put enough time and effort into studying, even though I am the kind of person who freaks out and spends hours for the few days before a test indulging myself in everything as much as possible.

Plus I'm  a horrible test taker, and it's only gotten drastically worse since I've been in college.  In high school, I feel like tests are pretty straightforward and teachers tell you specifically what information they want regurgitated back to them.  There are no study guides or extra help review sessions in college, and my anxiety reaches levels where I am physically shaking and want to throw up before I have to go and sit down to take a test.  Maybe it's the increased pressure because tests count for so much more here, but I don't know.  It's just really not a good thing and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

BUT HAPPY THINGS!!

• I've been preparing for studying abroad next semester.  I got my passport in the mail on Thursday and I'm currently in the process of applying for a student visa.  Oh, and I submitted my application for an internal transfer into the Communications program in Steinhardt.

• I started writing my first novel!!  I've been advised by people close to me not to publicly give out too much detail, but I will say it's about a grad student/professor love affair.  It's a little frustrating because it's happening so slowly, but I'm so excited about it and so is everyone else.

• My friends and I finally decided what we're dressing up as (Pokemon characters...) / what we're doing on Halloween.... and I'm going to my first ever rave.  It's in Brooklyn (errr...) but hey, shit looks sweet.

Last night, the roomies, best friend, and best friend's suitemate went to dinner at this little Middle Eastern restaurant called Zerza in the East Village.  The only downside was that when we left, it was torrentially pouring, so we were all cold and wet when we got to the restaurant.  But it was such a blast!  The food and drinks were all delicious, and they had this chocolate soufflé covered in ice cream for dessert.  OM NOM NOM.   But the best part was that they had a bellydancer come afterward and we decided to stay to watch her dance.  And, inevitably, get dragged into doing it ourselves.  Enjoy the following embarrassment:

In next blog post, ridic pictures of me dressed as Jessie of Team Rocket to be expected.

Long time no see? Speak? Read?

I'd rate today ace overall I guess, though I didn't do much... I had a Social Psych exam this morning which I studied majorly for the past few days, like literally hours on end, but still think I bombed.  Came home, decided not to go to class for the rest of the day because I was so tired / frustrated.  I emailed my teachers telling them it was for religious observance while eating a bagel.... I'm going to HELL.  But I did end up beating Resident Evil 4 instead.

Met up for a late lunch at Saint's Alp Teahouse with some friends and ran to Sunrise Mart to stock up on some pocky and green tea icicles.  We sat in Cooper Square for a while and the weather was pretty perfect.  The rest of the night included watching a lot of TV, eating dinner after 11pm (which I guess I deserved after the whole lying about fasting thing earlier), and ordering Insomnia Cookies.  Now I am hella tired and looking forward to sleeping in / interning tomorrow before going home for a few days and seeing my family and friends.

In other sweet news... I am studying abroad in London next semester!  A bunch of my friends / everyone in my suite is going and I am just really looking forward to it.  I've been obsessed with England and the idea of being British since I am a little girl, and not only am I visiting but i am GOING TO SCHOOL THERE.  For four months.  How on EARTH did his happen?!  So much to do and so little time... I'm applying for a passport when I'm at home this weekend, and then a Student Visa shortly after that.

That is all for now, bloggidy bitches.  I promise I will update this more frequently again..... maybe.

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Wow, it has actually been over a month since I made my last post in here.  I cannot believe that, man.  Fucking balls!  Hi to anyone who actually still reads this, secretly or non-secretly.  That's right, I has the all-knowing eyyyyeeee...

So I am back at NYU and loving it.  I'm finally taking a shitload of classes that I actually want to be in this semester, thus making my work actually... kind of bearable?  It's still a lot of reading and writing, mind you, but I don't mind as much when it's about communication or poetry as opposed to, for instance, The Wealth of Nations.  My only complaint is that I basically go all day today from 9:30am -5:20pm, with an hour break.  And my classes are on every corner of the campus, so I'm basically running back and forth with barely any time to take a breather.  At least I get a break during my Printmaking class, during which time it is vital to get coffee and a delicious green tea cream puff from the Japanese bakery on Stuyvesant.

Some highlights of the past few weeks to mention:

• SEEING EQUUS.  Sorry, it has to be first.  My aunt bought tickets for me and a friend and they were right over the stage, watching everything happen closer than anyone else... and seeing Daniel Radcliffe's dick closer than anyone else.  Albeit it's small, it's still a pretty nice dick.  The storyline itself was heartbreaking and I just loved everything about the play, definitely want to see it again.  MUST go back to get my playbill signed!!

• LISA LAMPANELLI: Was the same night as Equus was, and she was sooo fucking hilarious in every single way.  I envy her ability to say whatever the hell she wants while getting away with it.  It was at Radio City Music Hall and was my first time there since I'm a little girl and saw the Christmas Spectacular or whatever... the inside is fucking gorgeous.  We got drinks that came with glowing stirrers.  Oh my A.D.D., how did they know?

• CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS:  Ok, so I've only really seen Christian Siriano at the last night of Stolen Transmission at Hanger Bar, but David saw James Franco at Starbucks and took a pic on his Blackberry to send me (two days later, J.F. recognized him outside of the Tisch building and nodded his way.  Jealous doesn't even cover half of it)

• SPACED:  So Spaced was a TV show that aired from 1999-2001 in the UK and was the first really big collaborative project between Simon Pegg, Jessica Hynes and Edgar Wright.  I'd seen some clips online (as is necessary being a Simon Pegg/Edgar Wright fanatic) and have always wanted to watch it, but unfortunately DVDs were only available in the UK.  That is, until this summer!  They put the entire series together plus a bunch of awesome bonus features and extra reels and commentaries on DVD for Region 1 (U.S. and Canada) this past July, and I finally purchased it upon arriving to school.  CAN YOU SAY UH-MAYYY-ZING (in a Danny Butterman voice, of course).  It's captured my heart, really and truly.  Just....gah.  MINDBLOWING.

• SILENT HILL:  At the risk of this post getting any geekier, this will be my last media-related bullet point.  Silent Hill is by far the creepiest game I've ever seen anyone play.  We've all been watching our friend Chloe play as a source of amusement, and a source of shock for some of us.. it's mindboggling and terrifying.  Horrible, destructive alternate reality.  I couldn't explain if I tried.

And now I must run off to my Intro to Human Communication and Culture class... and possibly come back and edit this later.  I'll probably write another separate blog entirely later since I'm leaving so much out....... BAAAAAAAAAH

OY VEY. HALLO.

I've attempted three times at LEAST to post in here since my last post in July, and none of them ever reached completion for some reason; may it be my severe lack of attention or just general absentmindedness, I am the ULTIMATE BLOGGING FAIL.  This will end up being a long post in a pitiful attempt of me summarizing the past few weeks and to talk about the upcoming ones, so bear with me while I try to bear with myself.

The summer has basically dwindled down to its last week for me, and I'm... kind of relieved, to be honest.  Most students wish that their vacation extends a few more weeks when they reach this point, but I am starting to get stir crazy doing the same shit over and over when I know the city is only so far away.  Something about this summer just seemed less exotic than last year... or, simply explained, we aren't going to be freshmen this year so there was a lack of that excitement over college looming a few short months away.  Really, that kept my friends and I on our toes and pushed us to go out and try to do more with each other, to beg us to make attempts to keep in contact with every last person who showed interest.  By now, we all know who the "thick and thin" friends are and don't even bother chasing the other ones down for plans, much less a lunch together one afternoon or a brief get-together at someone's house.

And speaking of friends, I really miss my ones from college.  I love them all but I honestly did not think I was so attached to them, but the past year has really allowed me to form some close bonds with people.  Making friends with people right off the bat and staying friends with them throughout the rest of your college experience is something I find to be quite rare, but I kept a truly tight-knit group my first year (amongst other friends and acquaintances, that is) and they're like my extended family at my home not-so-far-away from home.  And they're a fucking riot.

That isn't to say I don't love my friends from home, though.  There has been a noticeable shift from who I hung out with last year to who I hung out with this year.  Truth be told, they're lots of my good friends from high school but also a lot of new people I met through these people.  I hate when you meet someone such and such years after the fact and you can't help but think about all the wasted time you could've spent being really good friends.  Whatever, make do with what you have and try not to waste moving forward into the future?  Good thing a lot of my friends are close to home, otherwise I'd be really REALLY depressed going back to school.  And, two more (my best friend Willa and a newer friend David) are coming back with me to NYU!  Make new friends, keep the old.... but they're all golden to me.

I also had a lot of fun babysitting my baby twin cousins this summer, and it really pains me to go back to school knowing I won't be seeing them every other day.  I'm actually startin to get tears in my eyes just thinking about it... they bring such joy to my days with simply existing and not having that constant is going to be so weird.  Even since May, they've both grown so much (both were crawling at the beginning of the summer, and now they're running like champs!).  My aunts really didn't need me in addition to Keyri, who is a family friend and who also babysat, but they let me come anyway and basically gave me a job for summer.  We did some really fun things too, whether it was just playing in their backyard or going to the park, or a full-day journey going to camp with them or the Long Island Children's Museum.  Jordan and Spencer are such amazing kids, I really feel like my entire family is so blessed to have them be these newish parts of our lives.  And I really truly hope I can always be there for them.  Keyri was also such a sweetheart and I really enjoyed babysitting with her.  We got very close over the summer, shared lots of stories and had good laughs and I hope we keep in touch, even hang out a few times.  I truly consider her a friend.

So as a thank you gift for babysitting the twins all summer, my aunts bought me tickets to see Daniel Radcliffe in Equus on Broadway next month. And the tickets are ON THE STAGE. I started crying uncontrollably when I found out, not only cause I've been a fan of his since I'm in middle school (not to mention was set on marrying him at the mere age of eleven), but it's probably one of the best gifts I've ever received. Truly from the heart, and I know a lot of thought went into it. They honestly didn't even need to get me anything because they've been paying me each week, but they went and did that for me and I'm just like.... beyond grateful. I don't know. It's going to be surreal, to say the least.

On a similar train of thought: Can I believe they are pushing back the release date of Half-Blood Prince to July 2009?  Well, yes... I can believe it because Warner Bros. are money hungry and cannot possibly deal with the fact that DanRad would be asked questions about being naked on stage while doing press circuits for the latest installment.  But it still pisses me off.  Boo, Warner Bros.

Okay, I think I've satisfyingly put a good amount of mush as well as regular day bullcrap in here to satiate the emptiness of posting from the past few weeks, but there will probably be tons more in here soon!  I'm moving into my new dorm in exactly a week.... and then the shenanigans begin.  But srsly, they do.

HOW ABOUT A MAGIC TRICK??

I just got back from seeing The Dark Knight for the second time - and for free since my friend Eddie is an assistant manager there and gets passes. It was just as good, if not better being able to quote everything The Joker says, minus not having the surprise with the twists. My guess is I should've seen Step Brothers like we originally planned, since I'm seeing TDK twice again in the next week (and once in IMAX, finally) but whatevs. It's like crack, visual eye crack... and I love me some Joker. I'm convinced, I'm converted, I'm one of the sheep. But I don't care, cause he puts a smiiiiile on my face.

But what I am REALLY updating this late about is what happened when I was in the bathroom... I went to pee and noticed through the crack in the stall door that someone was peeking in and looking at me! At first I couldn't tell if they were checking that someone was in there, but they kept looking...and we made eye contact. It was really awkward. She goes into the stall that opens up next to me, and then we're done relatively around the same time and I go to wash my hands. And it turns out that it was this girl Tracy who was in my grade at school, this really bitchy JAP who has had plastic surgery done all over her face (and not just a nosejob like is typical in Jericho LOLZ). BUT WHAT THE FUCK?!!! THAT WAS SO CREEPY. I've never had that happen to me before. And what better to do than to blog about it?

Oh and a drunk man, who was possibly homeless, told my friends and I we were the four most beautiful girls he'd ever seen before asking us where we thought he should get drunk. When he didn't like our suggestion, he huffed and walked away. Not without shouting, "Goodbye, beautiful girls!!!" as he went into the distance.

I think I am going to New Jersey tomorrow with Willa since her awesome cousin Abbey is having a house party. Cool. Here is a video that I cannot stop watching. I AM 110% JOKERIZED.

I had so much fun in North Carolina last week with my fam. I've never really had the experience of being in the south, so it was definitely strangely new to hear people talk with such drawl and to have grits as a regular menu item at most restaurants. Everyone down there is super nice, though! The house we stayed in was legit right on the beach, very convenient, but it got SUPER cramped once everyone arrived. We were supposed to come in shifts but it just worked out that everyone came at once, and it was sooo hectic with everyone there.... still, I managed to have a LITTLE time to myself stowing away to my grandma's room to read Eclipse and Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp in peace.

However, there was some major stress caused while on my vaca by a stupid fuck-up in regards to the housing situation this year. Most people who are close to me know that dealing with housing in every aspect (i.e. who I was going to room with, where we were living) was a real struggle this past year and was annoying as hell to deal with. Therefore, I was super upset when some girl messaged me on Facebook saying she was going to be my roommate, when my friend Wendy was supposed to have switched into my room. I'm not going to explain the entire situation, but basically two of my friends were exchanging bedspaces so Wendy could live with me, but since my other friend Tina put down Water Street, the "bed-to-bed" never went through and it was just put in as a Room Switch. But after yelling at the housing office over the phone and finally getting in contact with Wendy via Facebook (she's in France), we worked out the situation and she is living in our suite now! But these complications only make me hate NYU housing even more and want to move into my own apartment with friends during junior year.

Although I didn't get to see The Dark Knight at midnight, believe me when I say I wanted to and have been looking forward to this movie for MONTHS. When I realized I'd scheduled to go on vacation and be away the day it comes out, I texted my aunts seeing if I could get an earlier flight home so I'd be able to go Thursday night.... no joke. But I finally saw it on Monday evening and it was so fucking awesome. I'm not even going to front, I fucking hate Christian Bale ever since seeing him play that annoying twat Arthur Stuart in Velvet Goldmine (which BTW, if you're into the glam rock era/ Britain in the 70s, you should totally see...and not the shitty censored version). I hate the Batman voice he does even more. And I'm not a huge fan of superhero movies, though I've seen all of the original Batman ones and Iron Man has me crying over how wonderful it is. The real pull for me was to see Heath Ledger play The Joker, and his performance sent shivers down my spine the entire time. Such a fucking contrast to every other role he's played, and he did it so flawlessly. The Joker was even kinda sexy, in a sociopathic scar-faced way (especially in a nurse's outfit IMO). I'm really lame and also teared up at the end when they dedicated the movie to him, cause sometimes it hasn't even sunken in that he's not.... here anymore. It frustrates me, and with a heavy heart, after seeing this film for what I'm sure is the first of many times and watching him literally KILL on screen, and that's it. No more.

Next big event of the summer I suppose is the new Twilight book, Breaking Dawn, coming out next Friday (and the last from Bella's perspective, thank god). I went with Willa last night to preorder our copy and it's probably going to be as ridiculous, but not as much as Harry Potter midnight release parties. At least we only have to be there at 10am to get our bracelets. If you haven't read these books, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? Apparently there is going to be a tshirt making contest and I'm severely considering.....since there is no way I'm dressing up as a vamp LOLZZZ

OK I am going to go and sing Katy Perry while dancing ridiculously in my room while I wait for Nikki to get off work so we can eat dindin and watch Entourage.... my queens boys are back in Sept. HOLLA!

OK wow, I am not entirely sure how I haven't written anything since the middle of June but apparently that is the case?? Hello blog world, I have not died.

My aunts invited me to go with them to North Carolina for a week starting on Saturday and I'm totally stoked. My grandma is going to be going, plus some of Karen2's family that I've already met, plus their other babysitter Keyri who I would now consider a friend. We're going to be staying in Wilmington/Surf City in this beach house, which is right on the beach! It's going to be excellent, I hope I come back at least a shade or two darker. I'm also hoping I finally finish Eclipse, the third book in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. I have a serious crush on Edward Cullen.

I am tired and the rest of the entry that was going to be here is not, so goodnight instead.

I hate wishy-washies.

HOLY CRAP. I am finding it hard to believe that they can finally render an image that looks like Dan Radcliffe for the new Harry Potter videogame, which will come out coinciding with the release of the Half Blood Prince film this November. They've got his terrible bushy eyebrows like....dead on. Fuck, I still need to get my tickets to see Equus for multiple nights so I can finally eye his dick. His "Firebolt", if you will. His wand.. his golden snitch. I could go all day, really.

My house is currently lacking any A/C, or whatever is left of it is barely pushing it. This sucks, as I'd like to go to sleep soon and I love being super cold when I'm falling asleep... oh, and I've also apparently got tendinitis in my left heel. Achilles tendinitis? I don't fucking know, that's what my doctor thinks and I'm going to take his word for it. It hurts when I put a lot of pressure on it trying to walk, and I'm taking Aleve which isn't getting rid of the pain entirely, but making it a lot easier to walk.

It's one thing after another with me lately. Seriously. I was supposed to have a pool party this past weekend, but I got food poisoning / a stomach virus and basically spent the majority of the weekend too sick to function. I've never thrown up like that in my LIFE. So instead, we are having the pool party on Saturday. They were predicting thunderstorms but now the day is looking mostly sunny and around 80 degrees. Loves it!! 19 People still need to RSVP though or imma cut a bitch...

Let me complain for a second. I am admittedly a sucker for Facebook - it makes keeping connected to people epically wonderful (especially people that you would otherwise very easily lose contact with if given other circumstance). It is also a massive time kill with the thousands of applications. There are times when I get carried away with Bumper Stickers or playing World Challenge and trying to beat my friends scores. I also like making Events on Facebook, since it's a lot easier than wasting time playing phone tag via text messages or actual calls trying to see who is going to show up. But one feature I cannot stand?

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THEY'RE MAYBE COMING. This could mean they either have a really busy schedule and truly don't know, or they're just waiting to see if something better pans out. Or if they're truly spineless, they're waiting to see how many people they enjoy the company of are going to show. I still can't not take it personally, since it's particularly personal. One of my more recent friends, a guy named David who is a year younger and just decided he is going to NYU, told me he has two grad parties that day but still wants to stop by and say hello. And we literally JUST started hanging out. When someone you've just met is that genuine versus people you've known a long time and are trying to get in touch with...

I'm bitter, I guess, or just really lucky to have found someone so sweet to befriend. Ugh. My other guy friends are kind of douchebags as of late, which really really sucks. Minus a couple who are like my saving grace, and one who I may or may not still have a thing for and is currently far away trying to get laid by a Costa Rican tranny. It's all good though. I'm slowly beginning to find out who is really worth my time, and who I just need to permanently weed out (or make bare minimum time for). Ah, growing up.

WTF GABBA GABBA?

I am in tears... today while I was babysitting my cousins, my aunts put on this show they taped (is that even the right way to say it now? it's like DVR'd or tiVo'd or whatever) called Yo Gabba Gabba. It's like the most batshit insane thing i've ever watched in my life. Basically the show is like one major acid trip with cute little monsters with all this techno music and weird interludes with kids dancing in front of green screen. It's also hosted by an anorexic black dude with giant black-rimmed hipster glasses and an orange jumpsuit. I asked my friend Molly what she thought and we decided it was basically telling kids to start shrooms at an early age.

Have a glimpse for yourself:


This guy teaches the kids "beats"....it's actually quite terrifying, but in a darling way, when he says "bye bye!":


Then there's this little gem of Elijah Wood on the show that i found while surfing YouTube...speechless doesn't really cover it: